Reflections from 2019 and Embracing 2020

8 days into 2020, I have been reflecting on the year gone by as much as I seed for the year that has come. Writing this reflection made it more accessible for me and revealed certain aspects of me that I am so fulfilled about for 2019. This in a way also gives a closure to 2019 and letting me open myself to embrace 2020.

What shifted?

• Friendships - Somewhere in the middle of the year I intended to un-plan my life - learn to ride with emergence and give spaciousness to friendships and relationships. Through the last 6 months of 2019, I found myself unwinding in relationships - taking space and rushing through. I experienced warmth, joy of togetherness and a sadhana of discovering deeper together. 

• Primary Relationship- One key change that I notice is in my primary relationship. Several miles covered with parents getting involved. Feels its way more rooted - we are coming together in deeper ways to engage with life while creating space for each other too. I feel grateful to be able to be loved and love in ways that liberate (and not bind). 

• Social Events - One of the introverted edges of my being was the way I felt in any social event. I would disengage, not show up with confidence or my gifts and therefore feel uninspired at being in any gathering, event or convening. Through 2019 - this shifted. I showed up at several short and long events - found my anchors in each and was able to navigate through them with my gifts. Notable events were Inner Dimensions of Climate Change in Thailand, Bhoomi Conference in Bangalore, 2069 in Sardarsheher and some others. 

What were the dominant thought processes in 2019?

• Systems Inquiry and Ecosystem Thinking- Beginning of the year - thinking macro absorbed me, trying to make sense of the larger patterns of our society. This brought critiquing dominant development models and narratives. Simultaneously, I thought of our work as an ecosystem. 2069? The Youth Fest primarily brought that experiment in action. 

• Lineage - Another thought stream / realisation that held me through the year was that we are all part of a lineage. I am inheriting such rich cultural ways of social change through the work of Vinoba, Gandhi, Aurobindo, Ambedkar. Along with many mothers and women who shaped the world in nameless ways. What does it mean to be receptive of that and not get flowed by just modern western frameworks of thinking. 

• Politics - Except late part of school, I was never interested in Politics. May 23 - magically brought me into it. I have been leaning in to understand the current and prior yearnings of Indian and global politics. Also while observing the spectacular journey of Indian School of Democracy. 

• Spirituality - I always shied away from using this word - to describe our work or at least work of my life. Later part of 2019, brought more and more focus on inner spiritual life for myself. And a lot more intentionality to pursue it as a core focus of my life and work. I became appreciative of realities of the world beyond material - physical realm - began to pay lot more attention to my dreams, subtler energy flows, emerging connections, and how a larger designs acts through me. 

What were the key experiences?

• Coaching: One of the key experiences from 2018 to mid of 2019 was coaching with Ashish. It really enabled me to work with my strengths, take a CCD (conscious cool down) and challenge my patterns while being appreciative of myself. It continue to enable me to be in touch with my magnanimous self - which is authentic, brings its full, filled with joy. 

• Own House to living with parents: I ended 2018 enjoying my time in an independent house - that felt like home. It felt so right - with the right amount of light, air flowing in. From August 2018 - it became my own. I enjoyed hosting friends, cooking, or basking in the sun and was less than 10 mins from office - so a rare luxury in a big city. My parents had to move to Delhi and that meant we take a house together. I took practically the whole second half of 2019 to settle in, to embrace the energy in the new house and settle in with the rhythm with my parents. Living with parents brought several needles to burst my bubble. I also found myself becoming lazy and pampered. However in many ways I also felt my relationship with my parents went much deeper. 

• Inner Dimensions of Climate Change, Thailand - In November 2019, I went to a gathering called Inner Dimensions of Climate Change organised by Global Peace Initiative of Women (GPIW) and Dharma Drum Mountain Buddhist Association. It was quite an experience to be in the company of seekers from different parts of the world - all peer age. I wrote the reflection from it here. 

• Winter Hibernation - After a few years I got a chance to not be in Gramya Manthan in the winters. It was part of the process of taking a step back for me and partly to create space for leadership to further rise in the team to hold the program. This meant I could be slow during December. I went into hibernation - did long sleeping hours, spent time thinking, cooked many days, had friends over and engaged in long agenda-less conversations. I realised honouring the rhythm of nature unfolding through the body - is so crucial to sustain regenerative energy. 

Books in 2019 that had an impact on me:

• Bunch of thoughts by MR Golwalkar - Movement of Indian politics towards 'right' made me curious to read the thought behind prevailing ideology. It was also because I found myself surrounded by (because of social media algorithms and otherwise) and resonating with 'left' leaning discourse. So I read this book which forms one of the foundational thought behind Rashtiya Sewak Sangh. One of the important urges in me was to reclaim what it means to be a Hindu. I found so many aspects described in the book as things I follow / pursue in my life - like inner awareness, a greater community, spiritual purpose of civilisation and so on but I also found some of these aspects taken up and made into a political ambition. The difference between Hindutva and Hinduism is becoming clearer to me. Important read. 

• The Work that Reconnects by Joanna Macy - Interestingly I haven't read this book, it has already begun to have an impact on me. I find it hitting right at the core of our work. We see most fundamentally we as human beings are disconnected, from ourselves, from the natural world, from other people and from the spirit. I think the book is about how can one support the process of reconnecting. And I experienced one of the exercises from the book through Daniel (in Thailand) that invited various voices of doubt, ancestors, future beings in the expression of our vision / intention for the world. 

Movies / Series I enjoyed 

• Outlander - Late into the winters of 2019, I was held captive (I confess) by a Netflix series called Outlander. I enjoyed the mix of tradition, folk rituals, time travel, historical context, love and yearning to do good in the series. I saw 4 seasons each with 13 episodes of 1 hour each - 68 hours of netflix in about 15 days in December. 

• Shraddhalu’s interpretation of Sri Auribindo’s and The Mother’s thought - What I also found fascinating was understanding the thought of Sri Aurobindo and The Mother on state of the world, spirituality, subjective age, India, her neighbors, relationships, UFOs, and so many other themes. I found Sraddhalu to be such a great messenger to introduce me to this stream of wisdom. 

2020 looking forward to 

2020 marks the end of the second decade of the millenium. I shall be entering last couple of years of my 20s this year. My intentions for the upcoming year are: 

• Beyond self and deeper into it- I found myself too absorbed in what was happening / emerging in my limited self. It enabled me to unravel many things, observe my deeper conditioning, become aware of my patterns - but it did disengage me from witness the larger being at play - of whom I am a part. My hope from 2020 - is to let the boundaries dissolve and my experience to become one of larger oneness. In a sense, I find this curious and inspiring to see leaders of our previous generation - pick up a cause and stay grounded in it with much less traivails of self exploration. I want to experiment keeping 'service' as an important anchor of my journey in 2020 and see how it enables me to act with the 'larger self'. 

• Not Shying away from Shining - At school, I am was a member of the front benchers association :p - somebody who would be in great books of authority figures and act as per the norm set by them; also being in . It took me years, to decondition myself from that. And I noticed myself getting on the other side, where I would avoid coming in limelight or taking charge of situations for the need to not be visible. It sometimes became avoiding taking leadership too. That made me a reluctant front-liner. 2020 I wish to rebalance - not shy away from shining while bringing my learning of the above phase.

• Partnership - My intention is to become ready for a deeper life-partnership - explore ways of supporting each others' spiritual growth. And continue to let the primary relationship be a source of awareness in life. 

• Stamina and Joy - My intention is to re-build my stamina through daily discipline balanced with creative emergent ways. My hope is to strengthen practices that give me joy in my daily life - cooking, hands-on work, reading, long conversations. In the process, I wish to keep joy as the main anchor and let it speak through my actions.  

Onwards with, 2020. Cheers. :)